TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the Trump Tower Damascus meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting attention from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down service."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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